We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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