i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
