I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
