if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
