My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
