I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
