Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
