Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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