Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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