I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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