i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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