You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My liver just broke up with me...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
