He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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