member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
