i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
