Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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