i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
