It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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