you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
