Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
