I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
