did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
