I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
