Small penises have feelings too.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
