I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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