I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
