Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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