OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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