I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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