Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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