If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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