I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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