I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
