Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
