i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
