This beer is not sobering me up at all
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
