Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
