when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
