Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
