Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I am mentally ready for anal.
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