remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
