how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
