I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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