when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
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i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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