did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
