Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
