i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
