got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
