i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
