I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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