I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you would pick up someone in the library
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
