I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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