whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
