you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
