just tell him i said nine months
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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