Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
