Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
