Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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